It’s the second-to-last Friday in December. The halls are decked, the candles are lit, and Riesling, The Cheerleader, is putting finishing touches on the holiday cookies for the Vino Bash at Pinot’s (Noir that is)! She has an apron on over her turquoise and black Diane Von Furstenberg Naomi dress. She wanted to make sure everyone would be happy, so she baked ginger snap Christmas trees, shortbread dreidels, and she couldn’t figure out what to do for Kwanzaa so she made Africa-shaped chocolate cookies. Ah, sweet Riesling!
Pinot Noir is not even home yet. She’s still at Saks trying on shoes. All day has been about hair, makeup, nails and frock, and she has not been satisfied with any of it so far. She’s just hoping Cabernet Sauvignon makes an effort not to show up in his stupid team jersey and talk about football all night! But more importantly, as host of this glam slam, she has got to outshine all the other girls – especially Miss Tempranillo, the so-called Dreamgirl. OMG its so hard to be The Princess!
She gave the job of writing the invitation to Merlot, The Poet. Judging from all the silky lyrics he has been throwing at her since they met, she knew he was perfect for the task of presenting her holiday party as the can’t-miss-event –of-the-entire-season. And that he did, for the RSVPs came back in a deluge. He’s so smooth!
Its already 8:30PM and the party starts at 10:00PM. Syrah, The CEO shows up early as always, ready to pitch in and help pull things together. Riesling is relieved he’s here. He grabs her checklist and proceeds to move around Pinot’s large upper east side apartment making sure all I’s are dotted. Chardonnay arrived right on his heels. She wasn’t sure what time she should come and she didn’t want to be late. Plus she wanted to find a comfy spot on the couch so she could fade into the background. She pops into the kitchen to say hello to Riesling.
“Do I look OK?” asks shyly, in sensible flat shoes, wide leg khakis and an off-white cable knit cardigan.
Riesling washes her hands. She takes Chardonnay’s hair down out of the ever-present single ponytail, removes her glasses and hands them to her. “You look great!” she says and turns back to arranging trays of snacks and cookies.
Guests start arriving around 10:30PM. Pinot Gris is the DJ for the evening. He is selecting a great mix from his own collection with a little help from Spotify. His mohawk is freshly cut and he’s in black leather from head to toe with super pointy embellished wing tips. The house is rocking by 11:00PM. But where’s Pinot Noir?
At around 11:15PM, the door flies open. It’s Moscato, The Life of the Party, with a bottle in each hand yelling “Pop Pop!!” The party erupts in cheers and two of his friends carrying a cooler full of bubbly follow him through the crowded room to the coffee table. He jumps up on to the table, opens the two bottles, shakes them and sprays the crowed with sparkling wine. Syrah is appalled. Viognier, The Supermodel, slender and aloof in her yellow satin vintage couture cocktail frock, red leather L.A.M.B. clutch and black Manolo Blahnik heels suddenly comes alive and dives behind the bar in fright to avoid ruining her dress. She just knows it isn’t vintage champagne in the air!
Around 11:30PM sexy Miss Tempranillo arrives on the arm of Cabernet Franc, the Exchange Student. Merlot cuts his eyes at them with a jealous look. “That damned Franc gets all the girls! I bet it’s the accent,” he thinks to himself. She is every picture the dreamgirl, voluptuous in knee high heeled leather boots and a well fitted black calf length cap sleeved knit dress with shimmering silver trim, conservative on her bust line but deeply cut in the back to show off her tattoo, hair immaculatelycoiffed. Franc is in a slim fit double cuff royal blue Thomas Pink shirt with a red Prada blazer and white skinny jeans evoking Lupin the Third. Viognier peeks over the bar to see if its all clear. She spots the two of them and casually eyes Franc. She plots to catch him alone later for a chat, maybe when Temp goes to the bathroom.
Merlot turns his attention to Zinfandel, The Soul Singer, who had arrived about 20 minutes earlier. It would be his first time meeting her in person, even though they have a number of mutual friends. He’s seen her in some of their Facebook photos, but the pics don’t do her justice. She is gorgeous in an off-white silk dress and matching headdress that provide a flattering contrast to her dark cocoa skin tone. He stares at her full lips thinking “baby you can sing my poetry,” as he casually make his way across the room to baby grand piano where she’s standing chatting with Viognier and Syrah.
At around 11:45 Sauvignon Blanc arrives with Verdejo. Sauvignon decides to surprise everyone and show up in modern-day Bing Crosby Christmas special swag, complete with reindeer snowflake sweater and Santa hat. But the Santa hat is black and white and the reindeer on the sweater are trampling grandma. Verdejo sashays into the room, looking for the crudite platter so he can find the snack with the least calories so as to keep his perfect physique on point. His ruby velvet jacket layered over a gray scoop neck $50 Armani Exchange t-shirt is carefully accessorized with a powder blue pashmina scarf. He’s wearing his pewter pinky ring on the hand he always holds a wine glass with – his right one.
Finally, at 11:50PM, the door opens again, an there’s Cabernet Sauvignon looking dapper in a magenta suit and perfectly matched shirt (Versace for H&M) accented cleverly with a canary yellow bowtie and handkerchief. He’s so cocky! On his arm is his lady Pinot Noir, looking as perfect as she had hoped. She settled on the Christian Louboutin black feathered Carnival d’Orsay shoes and that Stella McCartney gold sequined cocktail dress that had just arrived at Bergdorf’s earlier this month. She is accessorized with tasteful black opal drop earrings and lots of black and gold bangles on her wrists. She is smiling and making the entrance she had planned with all her guests looking on. She starts to circulate the room with all the graces of a perfect host, while silently surveying the food and bar set up. She is satisfied with it all. She knew she could count on Riesling and Syrah to make sure her fete was tight! “I have arrived,” she thinks to herself, “the party may begin now.”
In all her earlier kvetching, Pinot didn’t even consider glamour competition from Gewürztraminer, who did indeed show up unexpectedly at exactly midnight. That Diva upstaged Pinot with a spectacular, show stopping entrance into her own party in a pair of Irregular Choice Best of All peacock feather platforms. She let her white rabbit fur coat slide casually off her shoulders to reveal a fabulous sleeveless fuchsia sequined cowl neck ankle length jumpsuit and an obscenely blingy diamond and sapphire necklace with matching earrings, cocktail ring and bracelet that looked like something from a Cartier window display. All eyes turn to take in her shine. Pinot nearly popped her cork!
By 12:30AM, the party was in full swing, and everyone was blending in happy holiday spirit. Here’s to a happy and safe season. Sip responsibly and get home safely!